365 days incident free.

365 days ago I was in Israel.

365 days ago I got into a jeep with 6 other people.

365 days ago That jeep was in an accident.  

365 days ago I got out of a jeep with 6 other people.

365 days ago God kept his promise.

365 days later, and I’m having a hard time keeping mine.

Those are the facts.

But those facts, are not the story… this is.

365 days ago I was in Israel, on a journey that, all bumps included, shaped my life and determined what my future was going to be.

365 days ago I got into a jeep with 6 other people, 5 of those people were some of my closest friends.  The other was the driver, and we trusted him, and we trusted him for no other reason than, we had to, he was the driver, he was responsible for our safety.  That was that.

365 days ago That jeep was in an accident.  People say that I’m accident prone.  I’m not.  One, because I don’t believe in accidents, I believe in incidents.  Accidents are out of peoples control.  Incidents happen when someone is doing something that they aren’t supposed to, whether that was their intention or not.  I am an incident magnet.  I attract them somehow.  And each and every one has taught me something.  Mostly, forgiveness and faith, they are the only two qualities of mine that I am truly proud of because even though they can improve, I know I have them, and they get me through a lot.  I forgave the driver without even thinking there was another option.  He was just as much in that accident, whether he was behind the wheel or not.  He made a choice, or someone did, they spoke Hebrew I don’t who’s choice it was, but either way it was the wrong choice.  I’ve made wrong choices, and most people still love me despite that.  I saw him after, you could look in eyes and see how broken he was, he knew he made the wrong choice, and he knew he wasn’t going to forgive himself for it any time soon. No body else seemed to realize that.  I can’t blame him, I’ve tried, I’ve thought it over, I cried and cursed him and it was hollow, I didn’t mean it, I wanted to blame someone or something but even then I knew it wasn’t him and so I’ve stopped trying.  I can’t be mad, I can’t blame him.  I forgave him completely before the car even stopped rolling, and he very well may be the ONLY person I’ve ever done that with.  

365 days ago I got out of that jeep by myself.  And I sat there and waited next to a heap of crumpled metal for the longest five minutes of life to see if everyone else was going to crawl out.  I’m scared of death.  Not my own exactly, I mean I have my moments but mostly others.  I mean, I’ve never died before, but my friends have, and my family members have.  That’s what scares me, that’s what I don’t get over.  365 days ago, my best friends crawled out of that jeep, and put me back together. 

365 days ago God kept his promise.  He promised I wouldn’t die in Israel or get seriously injured.  I joked about it all the time while we were there, but I had faith that I was going to be safe there and that’s how I knew he promised, I wasn’t ever worried, I knew I would be fine.  And as we were rolling down the hill, my thoughts were of telling my mom after, and being picked on my brothers about how I shouldn’t be allowed in cars anymore.  I knew I was fine.  Nothing about the environment should have lead me to that conclusion.  It was faith.  I didn’t even think about there being danger, I knew I’d make it through and I’d have to tell my mom about it and get her all worried about nothing.  I still don’t know where that came from.  Faith snuck up on me in Israel. That’s what really happened that day.  God promised, and I knew he meant it.

365 days later, and I’m having a hard time keeping mine.  I’ve promised a lot to God over the years and I’ve come up short.  Let me make it clear however, I’m not beating myself up about it.  Yes I’m having a hard time right now being brave and confident, but never lacking in faith.  I almost wish I was sometimes, because then I could pretend that I’m not called to something so big in the future.  I’m a work in progress but I am working on making that progress and that I think, has much more to do with what God promised, than what I did.

365 days later, I’m more mature in my life and in my relationship with God than I have ever been.

365 days later, I’m happier than I have ever been.

365 days later, I’m more scared than I have ever been, because I know someday I will no longer get sick from the smell of burnt rubber and crushed metal.  I know someday I will no longer jump at loud noises or cry when there’s a car accident on T.V.  Someday I will no longer be broken, I will be better and this whole post traumatic stress thing will be over…  And I will have no more excuses for being a chicken.

365 days later, I’m proud of who I am, not just who I will be; though future Kristin looks pretty awesome, just sayin’.

365 days later, I pulled into the parking lot at school today, I started putting on my makeup and a song came on the radio.

365 days later, I cried about something that happened a year ago because of that song.  

365 days later, I didn’t cry because of flashbacks and because I was scared.  I cried because I was involved in a miracle.  And that miracle has allowed to me to see many since then, and will allow me to have a part in ones in the future. 

365 days later, I’m still here and that, is pretty cool. :)

1. dpsinex said: Wow, Kristin. This is beautiful. This is wonderful. This is more open and vulnerable than I think I’ve ever seen you. I’m proud of you for opening up like this. I’m proud of you for growing and changing. You’re awesome in the old sense of the word…
2. redeemedandreconciled liked this
3. kristincamillechez posted this